Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Well, hello there, beautiful people, and welcome to the, uh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[00:00:10] It was supposed to be a, uh, greeting, by the way, but I will start with something else. You know that I, uh, allowed myself few frivolities of my driving days and the big brother took my license, which presents me with quite a few problems. But sometimes there are kind and considerate people who offer to drive me around. Now, yesterday was one of those occasions. I was sitting on the back seat and listening to a, uh, very interesting conversation between two highly intelligent and smart people.
[00:00:47] They were salespeople working for one of the american software companies. I found out so much about the sales world. So, apparently you don't just offer your product to someone. There are certain ways and tactics to approach your client. There are phrases and ways to get your client interested. And, uh, they were using words like a soft touch strategy, a, ah, digital approach.
[00:01:18] Uh, they were talking about psychology and God knows what. I didn't understand half of what they were saying, but that got me thinking.
[00:01:30] I live in a different world. I'm a musician. I write music, I play music, I record music, I teach music. But I haven't a slightest idea how to sell music. Uh, so those two salespeople were talking about selling some digital stuff to the corporate clients for hundreds of thousands for package. And I was thinking, I was thinking about us musicians. You know, I'm so, so lucky. I play with some of the best musicians in the world. And obviously, um, not including this croatian guitar player, Dresden. Don't get me wrong, he's, um, an amazing player, but he owes me at least seven dinners, so I choose not to like him.
[00:02:20] Now, I'm very happy with my bands and, uh, about the music we play. We have a beautiful product, if you can call music a product, but I have no idea how to sell it. Now, we do have promoters and agents and all this, but I don't think they're doing a good job, to be honest.
[00:02:41] One of them stole thousands from me and declared himself a bankrupt.
[00:02:47] Uh, another one put himself as a composer of one of my pieces. Made a lot of money, by the way. Um, another one keeps saying that his gigs will eventually, eventually present me with some beautiful opportunities in the future. Obviously, so are agents. Well, I think they should take a page or two from those corporate salespeople. Uh, they mentioned something, uh, yesterday. Uh, like you sent one carefully, uh, worded email, then you sent another email, and then you include a little voice recording to add a personal touch to your sale request. I think it's a brilliant idea. Now I'm thinking, how am I going to use this technique in my own sales pitch? How am I going to sell my podcast, for example? Well, selling is a big word. I'm, uh, not getting a penny for my podcasts, but to be honest, I'd like more and more people to get annoyed by my opinions. And how do I get to those people?
[00:03:56] I'm, uh, going to use this idea about including audio snippets. Uh, you have my voice anyway, so I'll give you something else. Listen to this.
[00:04:31] M this is a violin, the most beautiful instrument in the whole world. And yes, it's me playing one of my pieces. Now you'll see how good a salesman I am. I. No idea where you can buy it. Um, probably somewhere on apple music or Spotify, I don't know. Now, there is a, ah, second snippet.
[00:05:16] This is the Satan's invention. It's called a banjo. And no, it's not me playing this contraption. If you hear me playing banjo, you can safely assume I've gone mad. After this brilliant sales speech, this podcast is going to reach thousands of people worldwide. To assure its success. There's something else I decided to do. I decided to follow my listeners, uh, advice on how to become a successful blogger.
[00:05:48] You know, one of the things I love about having a podcast is that you have people from all around the world telling you what to say, how to say it, and what not to say. I was told that my podcasts are chaotic, that there is no central idea and no structure. I was told I have to be positive. They told me that I have to stop being offensive. And one of them told me that I should be castrated. They told me I have to be methodical and logical, and that if I, for example, insult vegetarians, I cannot insult meat eaters in the same sentence. And, uh, if I insult democrats, I cannot insult conservatives. At the same time, uh, I was given a set of clear instructions on how to be a proper blogger. So I decided to listen to the voice of the people and to follow their advice as much as I can. So this is a demo democracy, or at least what we think democracy is. Now, here's a plan. First, I'm going to tell you about the contents of this podcast. I have bullet points in front of me, and I'm going to be methodical, as some, um, of you suggested. The plan is we are going to talk about chinese violence. Rabbits, persian carpets. Martin Cubis. Religion. Vogue, culture. Cars, politics. And I will tell you why it was not a good idea to play banjo in, uh, ancient Greece. Now, those will be my main subjects, but not necessarily in the same order. Now, we all know the amount of suffering which banjo players are causing to our nervous systems, right? We also know that Cremona violin makers gave us some of the most beautiful violins in the world. And I am going to explain to you why Niccolo Amati and Antonio Strevari should be burning in hell, according to the, uh, catholic church. But banjo makers have somehow spared this punishment.
[00:08:02] I'm, um, going to quote, or rather paraphrase, Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King, Frank Zappet, Donald Trump, and my neighbor Maryland. I'm going to insult feminists, BLM m activists, and Greta Thornberg.
[00:08:21] Uh, being a Gemini, I am going to insult far left and far right together in one sentence.
[00:08:28] I'm going to give you a few absolutely random but interesting facts which have nothing to do with each other. For example, I will tell you why violin makers only use male hair for their bows, and what persian carpets have to do with religion and philosophy. Philosophy a.
[00:08:47] I'm going to digress a lot. This is how gemini brains work. We cannot stay on one subject for long enough, but we will always come back to the original topic. Promise. I'm going to start my podcast with a cheerful greeting. In the middle of the podcast, I will suggest that you join my Patreon page. Then I'm going to tell you a sexist joke with racial undertones. And I'm going to finish it all by saying goodbye. So, how's that for a plan? Did I listen to the voice of the people?
[00:09:23] Now, just a quick historic sidestep about the validity of the public opinion. Politicians love to talk about democracy, about the rule of the people and all this nonsense. Rule, uh, of the people? My arch.
[00:09:40] The ancient Greeks invented the system in order to fight unrest, military rights and political chaos. Uh, Herodotus, a, uh, greek historian, in a democracy, there is first that most splendid of virtues, equality before the law. Obviously, he was a hypocrite, because, as you know, we all are equal, but some of us are, uh, more equal or less equal than others. They are musicians, and they are banjo players, for example. Thats me quoting George orwell. Uh, by the way, the Greek so called equality was limited to a, uh, small segment of the society. They introduced, uh, voting rights for citizens or people demos.
[00:10:33] Yes, they did. Now, the question is, who were those people? Military aristocrats, politicians, uh, people in power, in other words, and only male citizens over 18th were allowed to vote. No women, no foreigners, no slaves, no musicians, which is understandable, were useless anyway. For example, in Athens in the middle of the fourth century, there were about 100,000 citizens, 10,000 foreigners and 150,000 slaves. So, uh, about 2260,000 people in total. Right now, only 40,000 people or so were allowed to vote and to make, uh, political decisions. That is democracy.
[00:11:28] And, uh, I can actually see some sense in it, you know, because the sad truth is most of the people, they don't really know what they want. They want to eat well, to dress well, to earn more and to work less. They want some entertainment, they want their beer, pizzas, social media, TikTok, YouTube, some shopping, gossip, eating out, and that's about it. Some of them want to feel good about themselves, so they start criticizing and complaining about the state of the world. They say, how dare you? Like this Greta Thurnberg person does, without actually offering any realistic and meaningful, uh, solutions. They want world peace without realizing that their comfortable lives are supported by wars and stolen resources, genocide and destroyed environment.
[00:12:28] Um, they are usually allowed to make some noises by the powers who claim that we live in a democratic world.
[00:12:40] But when demos or people get too loud and start to present problems, um, masters put their foot down and waggle their finger gently like, uh, they did after the Lisbon Treaty referendum. When irish people said no, the people had spoken.
[00:13:04] And, um, you all know what happened after, um, government said, try again, will you? And irish people said, yes.
[00:13:13] That's democracy. You are free to do what you are allowed to do and you are absolutely free to think what you are allowed to think. Now, ah, I'll tell you a story just to demonstrate, uh, that democracy, well, doesn't really work in real life. This story is from, uh, one of the Jeremy Clarkson books. You know Mister Clarkson, he's a journalist and a tv presenter who likes to insult people.
[00:13:44] In 1990, british car manufacturers decided to build a car which was to be designed by the ordinary people of UK and which was going to be a best seller selling car in the world because it was supposed to be built according to the public wishes and desires. So thousands of volunteers were put on the streets, uh, and they asked hundreds of thousands of ordinary people what characteristics and qualities this new car should have. Everything from color, shape, ergonomics, performance, handling, engine, suspensions and so on. Then they got together and summarized their findings and surprise, this car didn't even make to the drawing board.
[00:14:37] If built, it would have been the most boring car in the world. And it was below average in every single respect. And it had personality of the current prime minister, they just decided to abandon this idea altogether. You see, that democratic approach in reality does not always work. But I am a believer. I will structure this podcast according to the instructions I received from my listeners, and I will become a famous blogger after this episode. By the way, as we spoke about cars, here's a bit of trivia for you. Most iconic british cars are now owned by someone else. Jaguar was sold to Tata Motors, an indian company. Mini and Royal Royce are owned by BMW. Lotus is owned by Chinese, and Aston Martin is owned by canadian billionaire. Sad, isn't it?
[00:15:42] Now there are more british icons which were given away. The, uh, Thames Water was sold to the australian company. Most of London is owned by the government of Qatar. Hilton is owned by the us investment company. Chelsea's football club is owned by Americans. Vodafone is owned by Australian Telecom. The channel channel is operated by Getlink, a company based in Paris. Even the organized crime in UK, for God's sake, is run by Albanians, chinese and eastern european gangs. Now, in saying so, mermite is still british.
[00:16:27] Uh, probably because it tastes like salted dirt. What does it have to do with a car which was designed according to the people opinions?
[00:16:38] Nothing. That's just some interesting information for you.
[00:16:42] Now, as promised, a greeting. Hello, beautiful people, and welcome to the world according to Germini. Welcome to another dose of illiterate rumbling, bad grammar, sexism, bigotry and complaints about the state of the world this episode. Well, I'll try to follow your suggestions, but it is still going to be chaotic and offensive. I cant help it. Im in Germany. Also, as im a simple person, I dont have enough of my own words of wisdom. So as I mentioned already, from time to time im going to paraphrase some of the mightiest minds of humanity, someone like Albert Einstein, George Orwell, or Mister Donald Trump himself.
[00:17:33] All the rest will be coming from us, from Germany. Twins who don't even know if they're Arthur or Martha, far right or far left.
[00:17:45] We, I mean me and my twin, we think that all far right or far left people are the same anyway. They're all mad and they will cause humanity to cease existing quite soon. And then we will end up running around, eating out fingernails, killing cats, singing Spice Girl songs and beating each other with sticks and stones, as good old Albert Einstein predicted. Recently, I took another advice from one of my well meaning friends who said I have to start promoting myself as a blogger. Now, he didn't specify how exactly I should do that. And me, honestly, I have no idea how, but I will remind you that I have a Patreon page. And if you feel sufficiently irritated by my opinions, which is the main purpose of this podcast, then you should consider becoming a patron. It will cost you less than one double espresso a month, but it will motivate me to create more episodes, to annoy more people, and by doing so, to make the world a better place again. That's me, uh, paraphrasing Mister Donald Trump, by the way.
[00:19:02] Also, in a month or so, I'm going to make my podcasts private, which will keep me relatively safe and healthy. I already got a threatening male from one democratically inclined female american human.
[00:19:17] She called me all sorts of names and suggested that some very nasty things should be done to me in order to neutralize my poisonous views.
[00:19:30] Uh, she called me a sexist, a racist, even though I don't really understand how you can call a racist someone who is half gypsy, half georgian, half ukrainian, half musician, half russian, and half jewish. Come on now. Racist? Really?
[00:19:51] Anyway, go to Patreon, look up my podcast, and become a proud supporter. And as much as I love to annoy liberated american females, I would love to write for the selected group of non violent people who do not support chemical castration, as my american, uh, supporter does.
[00:20:14] Now, I am dedicating this episode to the gentleman who I saw recently.
[00:20:21] His name is Martin Cubis, and he is a, uh, luthier extraordinaire, and that is a violin maker for the simple people. Now, Martin took over the Crehanz music shop in Drumcondra recently, and, um, I'll have to tell you, he's amazing. He makes beautiful violins. He repairs them, and he has mongolian hair for your bowing needs.
[00:20:50] I should be jealous of this man. Really. I should feel envy, and I should feel bitter and useless compared to Martin. Why? First, he just started a business which will flourish and which will bring him lots of happy customers.
[00:21:08] In saying so, uh, he's losing hair, and he has a beard. That actually makes me feel better about myself.
[00:21:16] You see, I have a reason to envy margin because my own life is just one big, monumental failure.
[00:21:27] During my life, I started many things, and most of them have ended up in a disaster.
[00:21:34] I became a tank driver, which resulted in thousands of damages in a six month prison sentence.
[00:21:43] I decided to become a software tester and managed to destroy a very expensive computer. I joined a bikers club and ended, uh, up with a broken leg and, uh, multiple concussions. I tried to make money by selling houses and lost a fortune. I tried to open a restaurant in Frankfurt once, and two of my business partners got divorced. As a result, I got offered a massive amount of money for one of my music compositions, but my recording company stole the money and declared bankruptcy. Uh, my composition eventually ended up as a backing truck on a south korean pornographic site.
[00:22:28] I tried motorbike racing and broke half of the bones in my body. Um, and my career as a lecturer for the music generation came to an end after I mentioned the current number of gender definitions.
[00:22:44] I got kicked out of the posh restaurant in Prague for being a gypsy. I was assaulted by one militant vegan lady for wearing leather pants once. And I was nearly beaten up by the liberal and peace loving irish housewife for being a soviet ex military.
[00:23:02] Even now, with this podcast, I am getting threat emails, uh, from my listeners suggesting that I should be chemically castrated for saying that five years old kids should not be taught anal sex in american schools. So you can see that I dont really consider myself as a very successful person and I should really feel jealous when I meet someone who is doing as well as Martin does. So I decided to put new hair on my violin bow. And so I went to visit Martin.
[00:23:39] Martin is the only person I know who agrees that violins have gender. Yes, my dears, music instruments are ladies and gentlemen. They are violins, which have distinctive male qualities. They are violence, which have distinctive female qualities, and they are violence, which have none.
[00:24:03] They might look like violence, but they feel and sound like furniture. They are not boys or girls. They are more like transgender violence. Most of them were manufactured in China by political prisoners about 20 years ago. Christ.
[00:24:20] I only started this episode, and I, uh, already managed to offend lots of people. It's bizarre. Every time when you mention facts, you offend someone. Every time when you refer to factual reality, science or common sense, you, uh, are branded a sexist, a racist, and a far right fascist.
[00:24:42] Well, here's a sexist fact for you. Do you know that only male hair is used for violin bows? Mares urinate on their tails, which make their hair brittle, and therefore nothing suitable for violin bows. Here you have it. Well, cone is sexist, but this is a fact. Uh, ask Martin. He'll tell you.
[00:25:04] Now, here's another bit of useless trivia for you. Um, you know that violin makers for hundreds of years were using ivory for different parts of, uh, violin and bows? Then, in the year 1989, the ivory trade and use was banned internationally. The problem was that most of violin makers already had massive stocks of fiber, which suddenly they were not allowed to use. And, uh, one of my friends, luthier from Germany came up with a brilliant idea. He declared that a discovery was made. He claimed that russian geologists find a massive burial site full of dead mammoths in Siberia, and he bought all his ivory from Russians. Uh, most of the european violin makers made the same claim. And so we still have genuine ivory on our, ah, bows and violins instead of mother of pearl or plastics. Now, a minute ago, I said something bad about chinese violence, so I have to say something else to make it right.
[00:26:19] Lets talk about Chinese.
[00:26:23] Uh, I have few chinese students. I love them. They are exceptionally good. Gifted, disciplined, dedicated, hard working.
[00:26:35] Uh, one chinese boy was trying to feed me a banana through the screen during one of our online lessons. Then one chinese mom brought her daughter to my house recently, and she usually loves to take part in our lessons. She shouts at her daughter and gets in the way a lot. So, uh, I said, molly, please let us be. Just go to the kitchen and have yourself a cup of tea. We have this beautiful jasmine green tea. So we finished our lesson, and then I called Molly back into the room. And being a polite person as I am, I asked her if she enjoyed her tea. Molly, uh, is also a very polite woman. So she put her hands together, bowed and said, yes, teacher. Thank you. Thank you, teacher. Thank you very, very much, teacher. Horrible tea. Very horrible.
[00:27:27] Uh, I'll bring you good tea next month.
[00:27:29] Good tea from China. And she did, by the way, it smelled like perfume. Anyway, her daughter is a very gifted violinist. She can be first here in the Boston Philharmonic, easy. But she doesn't want to be an orchestra player. She wants to be a dentist. Now, I don't think she's going to be a dentist, to be honest. I think she is going to be our next president. She is a good illustration on how Chinese will get to dominate the world without resorting to beheading, sending ballistic missiles to Israel, or throwing gaze from the roof tops. No need for this. No, they have their own ways. Now, violence.
[00:28:13] Chinese used to produce this violence at the rate of 75,000 units a minute, and it cost them about $0.23 for 7 million units. Every violin shop in the world had them in stock, and, uh, they were sold for €50 or so. At some point, music shop owners started to boycott those violence, partly because they were manufactured by the political prisoners, partly because they were crap.
[00:28:41] That was ten years ago. And a year ago, one of my chinese students ordered a new violin online from China for €200. And I said, no.
[00:28:54] Why?
[00:28:56] But, uh, it was too late. And then she brought her new violin to our lesson. And I could not believe what I saw. A, uh, beautifully crafted instrument, beautiful sound. I would really get her for myself. It's no problem. My student told me that everything is different in China. Now, you see, this Dior bag, she said made in China, cost me €300. Now, the same bag would cost more than €3000 if bought from Dior. And according to one of the Dior boutique owners, it's practically impossible to spot a fake bagname. Stitching, materials, locks, handles, hardware, overall quality is exactly the same. So if you see a lady in brown, Thomas, wearing Jimmy choo shoes, Cartier glasses, Tiffany jewelry, and carrying a violin in a bam, um, case, chances are it all was bought in China for about two. €300 for the whole lot.
[00:30:00] Um, someone I know got Valentino shoes from China for €120 and immediately sold them to her sister for about 1000. You see, chinese know a thing or two about business. Now, personally, I would welcome an irish chinese prime minister any day. Our, uh, rents will come down, there will be no homeless people, and we will become a prosperous country.
[00:30:27] Well, uh, they will probably kick me out back to Siberia, but it's okay. Chinese own most of Siberia anyway. Now, back to Martin.
[00:30:38] Martin took over, uh, the shop which was known as Crechens music shop in Rumkondra, painted the whole place white, installed some modern lighting, and then he started his business.
[00:30:51] I'm sending, actually, all my students, uh, to Martin. And I wouldn't let anyone else to repair my old violin. And if I hear that any of you went somewhere else, I will visit your house at 03:00 a.m. m with the torch and the banjo.
[00:31:08] Martin understands the soul of the violin. He himself makes beautiful instruments. And he took care of my violin a few years ago.
[00:31:19] Uh, there's something else about Martin. He is a marketing genius. Maybe consciously, maybe unconsciously. I don't know. I will explain.
[00:31:30] I came to the shop, and I was presented with three beautiful ladies.
[00:31:35] One of them licked my face.
[00:31:38] Yes, she did. She was beautiful, happy, full of life. Uh, yes, she was a dog, obviously. Uh, she was like a little happy, jolly salsa dancer. She wasn't just waggling her tail as most of them do, you know? No. Her whole body was twisting. She was a picture of love, happiness, and energy. This lady should be used in this infamous Duracell promo video instead of this deranged white rabbit. I'm m sure you know the one I'm talking about. Always, um, highly suspicious about the true meaning of this video, and especially about the motives of the ad creators, I think they had a weaked sense of humor.
[00:32:23] This video always looked to me like a well camouflaged viagra promo. Why? Let's talk about rabbits for a minute.
[00:32:34] As you know, a, uh, typical rabbit has three main qualities. He is cute, he is dumb, and he is a sexual predator. As, ah, anyone who owned rabbit would know.
[00:32:48] During one of our tours, I stayed in a friend's house in Germany. They had a rabbit. He had, uh, only one ambition in his life, which was to copulate with as many organic and non organic objects as possible.
[00:33:03] He would routinely, uh, assault their house. Cat, guests, chairs, dogs, chicken, toys, you know, anything within his reach to satisfy his carnal inclinations.
[00:33:16] He would feel perfectly at home in the congregation of christian brothers. The only difference is most, uh, of the rapists from the congregation, they were never prosecuted for their crimes. They were protected by the church, by the irish government and police. At the very worst, they would be relocated from one orphanage to another, so they would be able to continue bringing the word of God to lost souls without being bothered. Now, our rabbit didn't enjoy the Vatican protection, and so had suffered the consequences. He was run over by a car.
[00:33:56] Justice was served by one of the neighbors, apparently, whose dog was repeatedly violated by a furry friend.
[00:34:05] Now, uh, back to the lady who licked my face. She was a bundle of joy. She was full of life. And I felt loved and welcomed to the Martins shop. Or, I don't know, maybe she was trained by Martin as a marketing ploy to get more customers. I don't know. But it worked. Then I was introduced to the Martins wife. She gave me a quick lecture on acoustics, human physiology and psychology. You know, as you do, she is young, beautiful, highly intelligent, and also very smart. She looked at my face and made me a cup of coffee. That's how you do it. If you want me to love you, all you have to do is to offer me coffee and demonstrate that you are smarter than me. That's it. Well, being kind and beautiful also helps. And then Martin put all his cards on the table. He introduced me to one of his violins.
[00:35:05] I can spend hours trying to describe her sound, feel, action, you know, shape, color. But, uh, I won't. I'll just tell you that when I played this violin, I had goosebumps. Now I am in love.
[00:35:24] I'm actually thinking of, um, asking Martin to hire me as a cleaner or gardener or babysitter so I can play this violin from time to time. Yeah. I will never buy this lady. Uh, obviously, even if I win the lottery. She is too good for me. I shall cherish my love from a distance and try to find more reasons to pop into the shop. Now, can you see why I think Martin is a marketing genius?
[00:35:53] I will give you one more reason for my envy. But, uh, for that, we will have to talk about religion, history, philosophy and banjo players.
[00:36:03] Many years ago, I had a friend. He was from Iran, and he told me about persian carpets. If you own one of those masterpieces, you would know that they have incredible and complex designs. Now, here's a little secret for you. In each one of those carpets, there is a tiny detail somewhere which breaks the perfect symmetry in the design. This detail is so small that usually it's impossible to spot. But it is always there. Why?
[00:36:36] According to practically every religious book, and to one of the most fundamental religious concepts, perfection is a quality which belongs to God alone.
[00:36:48] People are afloat. Even though we should try to improve ourselves, we cannot reach perfection.
[00:36:56] Claiming or trying to be perfect is sacrilege. It is a deadly sin. And so nobody is perfect. Uh, as Osgoode character said in the movie song, like it hot, you know, when he realized that his date was actually a man. So nobody is perfect, and nothing is perfect in this world except of.
[00:37:21] Answer me this. Is there anything in the world which was not modified, changed or updated in order to suit, uh, the time? You know, market customer need to keep up with the progress and so on? Um, can you. Everything around us changes constantly. They update this bloody Skype every seven minutes. For some reason, every time when it starts working. Well, there seemed to be someone saying, well, gentlemen, it's been a while. Now, why don't we move this button over here? Or why don't we tweak something just to annoy this gypsy violin teacher to disrupt his online lessons.
[00:38:01] See, everything is constantly being updated. Cars, clothes, computers, software, hardware, fridge equipment, everything. Now, people upgrade their belongings, their partners and themselves all the time. Why? They want something better, something faster, more efficient, and so on. And as far as I know, there are only three instances of perfection in this.
[00:38:26] God, Keith Richards and violin.
[00:38:31] Well, God is supposed to be perfect, so, um, all is good there. Keith Richard is a 400 years old guitar player who looks 200 thanks to the use of some bizarre chemicals. So we can leave him alone.
[00:38:49] Now, violin.
[00:38:51] Imagine this.
[00:38:53] A modern violin was designed and built in Cremona more than 500 years ago. Now, uh, since then, thousands of violin makers were trying to improve this design. They made violin a bit stronger and they used different strings, but that's all they tried and they failed. Why?
[00:39:16] Because in the year 1555, in the city of Cremona, italian luthier Andrea Amati created pure perfection.
[00:39:30] So, according to the religious books, he is supposed to be roasted in the eternal flame of hell. And by the way, banjo makers and players, however, are spared this punishment.
[00:39:43] Anyway, Martin is surrounded with beauty and perfection. And because of this, he made himself a happy man. On this note, I will finish. I wish you to surround yourself with beauty and to be happy. Love you all and good bye.
