Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] You. Hello, everyone, and welcome to the world according to Germany. Now, we just came back from the two weeks tour with no crows. Twelve gigs in Spain, Germany and Switzerland.
[00:00:15] Obviously, when you are tuning around, one of the first things you should really be aware of, cultural differences. If you are tourists, well, you can afford not to be too serious about that. If you go once a year somewhere, you might be okay. But if you are somebody who is constantly on the road, this is one of the things you should be always aware of. So today's podcast is called cultural differences. According to Germinai, our beautiful planet is not as big as we think. Actually, it's becoming smaller and smaller every year. Now you can board a plane and in few hours find yourself in a different country or a different continent. Everyone moves around. Japanese tourists come to Ireland, Russians are flying to Egypt, Colombians visit China, and Americans visit Afghanistan.
[00:01:11] Not with the same degree of success.
[00:01:15] Germans went to Russia once, didn't go well, so everyone wants to see and experience something different. Try exotic food, get a taste of foreign culture, local music and so on. Everyone except of british. Every time I go on tour somewhere south, like Spain, for example, I see Brits drinking ale and lager in british pubs, build especially for them, ordering mush and bungers, fish and chips, watching soccer, and fighting with the local police, exactly the same way they do back home in Liverpool or Manchester. Once I saw a young british couple giving out to the waitress in a croatian restaurant. They demanded a full english breakfast. The chef refused to produce this edible catastrophe, and the young lady called the chef effing savage.
[00:02:12] Apparently the waitress was used to having Brits around, so she didn't seem offended. She inquired, though, why would they go abroad if they wanted to have british food? Wouldn't that be easier to find it in England? She asked. Silly woman. British are still trying to bring gifts of civilization to the undeveloped world, which foolishly refuses to see and accept british superiority. Exactly in the same way, former soviet republics refused to acknowledge the benefits of the communist rule and declared independence one by one. Shame really. Well, not always lost. England is very close to Ireland, and thanks to Ryanair, we can fully appreciate british ways and customs. To observe those legendary hand parties from Yorkshire is actually way more exciting than watching naked ladies from the Rio de Janeiro carnival, believe me. A few years ago, I witnessed the exchange between one of the hand party ladies and indian gentlemen who was checking their bags in the Leeds airport. They had an argument about the bottle of vodka which this hen wanted to bring in, and this indian gentleman said, madam, vodka is a liquid and therefore cannot be allowed on the plane. The hen thought for a while and came up with a brilliant idea. She said, if I drink it now, it wouldn't be in the bottle anymore, it would be in my stomach. So it can be allowed in it. The indian chap replied, yes madam, it will be in your stomach. Yes, but you wouldn't be allowed on the plane because you will be drunk in it.
[00:03:59] The hand thought again and said, but what if I give it to my friend? Would that be okay? Yes madam, you will be allowed to fly, but your friend won't. Really? What if she drinks it? Inquired our hen.
[00:04:14] What can you say? The hand party was eventually let through and I was extremely lucky to observe their intellectual superiority during our flight to Dublin. Even though their vodka bottles were confiscated, they still managed to get drunk. One of them took out of the bag a huge inflatable penis. It was at least 4ft long in the Iraq state and we spent the best part of the journey watching our flight attendants trying to confiscate and deflate this object, hence won the fight.
[00:04:54] Then we were waiting for about 15 minutes while they were trying to exit the plane with this thing in tow because they got stuck. I'm sure they had a great time for the next few days drinking, fighting, urinating on the streets, getting arrested and so know the usual it works in Ireland. It would definitely not work in Malaysia, Iraq or Philippines because they are culturally different from Britain, you see. Savages. In other words, please don't think I am targeting British on purpose. Absolutely not. I love Britain. They produce the best progressive rock music on the planet. Now, if you ask me who in my opinion are the worst tourists on the planet, I would put Russians first. I'm being patriotic. We are the first. As usual. British would take silver. Us and Germany would have to share bronze. Every nation has its own customs, symbols, ways to behave and interact with each other. For example, if you nod your hand in some countries it will mean yes, in some it will mean no, and in some it will mean nothing.
[00:06:08] If you nod or smile at someone in Dublin, they will nod back. If you nod and smile at someone in Moscow, they'll beat you up. There are countries where young men and women are walking on the beach with nothing on, all their assets sticking out, and no one would even blink an eye, while somewhere else a woman caught with her pinkies sticking out will be beaten up or imprisoned or both. That's called diversity or multiculturalism. I think I forgot to mention that everything I say is a generalization. So don't get too uptight or whatever your background is. Let's continue. Russians who buy those holiday packages, which are called everything included, they come to Turkey and Egypt and get drunk before the breakfast. They trash the place and beat everybody up. Then they go and look for the ukrainian tourists who bought the same all inclusive holiday deal. Police never stop those fights. They know better. They smoke outside, chatting with ambulance drivers and waiting for the end of those multicultural activities. And locals, they don't mind. It's free entertainment. After all, it works in Turkey and Egypt. It might work in England, but it won't work in Scotland, for example, as Scots can be quite radical when pushed around. Now, cultural differences between Russia and Scotland. You see, they both are fighting nations, but there is a difference. Russians generally look mean and aggressive and Scots don't, which can be deceiving. Twelve years ago, when I was living in Glasgow, a group of Moscow fans came to Glasgow to support their team. They ended up in a pub in the Rangers area. They got drunk and they got adventurous. They started to pick on one of the patrons who was wearing the Rangers jersey. The guy didn't react first. He smiled and tried to be friendly. My comrades, who despise the western european habit of smiling and apologizing for everything. Pardon me, you're standing on my leg. So sorry for the inconvenience. Have a nice day. They mistook friendliness for weakness and started to get more and more aggressive. A bartender tried to explain to them that it is not a good idea or place to start trouble, but they didn't listen. Finally, one of the sporters schlupped the Ranger fan on the face. Only one third of my comrades was able to attend the match. The rest ended up in a hospital. Don't get me wrong, my compatriots are brutal fighters. It's just they were not expecting anything from this apologetic bunch of smiling locals and therefore were not prepared for the disaster which followed. As you can see, the lack of knowledge of local customs can lead to misunderstanding and massive medical bills. Here are a few more examples for you.
[00:09:19] Driving in different countries can be very educating because their driving etiquette is completely different everywhere in the world. If someone is flashing their headlights when you're stuck in the middle of the road somewhere in Surrey or Sussex, what they're trying to say to you is, I am a white, middle class and well educated liberal. I don't care if you're french or even if you are an Arab. I don't mind if you drive. Nissan Micron. I'm letting you go, even if you're one of those Americans who think they are able to drive in UK, I will wait till you realize that we drive on a different side of the road here. Have a nice day. Now. If someone flashes headlights at you in Italy, what they are saying is in Switzerland, if a car in the front of you stops and switches on hazard lights, it means there is a little kitten trying to cross the road. Wait till I call the police, ambulance and fire brigade to help him cross safely, to check his vaccination status, to locate and arrest his owner for gross negligence and animal cruelty. If it happens in Moscow, it would mean please wait till I open my boot and take out my baseball bat in Dublin. If you are driving near the school area at around 04:00 p.m. And a big suv in front of you indicates left, be careful. It means that there is a demented mother inside who is about to murder her four kids she just collected from the school. She is not turning left. In fact, she is not turning anywhere and the wisest course of action would be to wait and not to approach in Georgia Caucasus if the car in front of you indicates left, be aware no one in Georgia indicates anything, ever. The driver most likely hit the handle by mistake. Driving etiquette in Georgia is similar to Italy, but little bit more radical. If you are a passenger and you try to put on your seatbelt, you are risking a serious injury from the driver. Putting your seatbelt on means you don't trust his driving abilities. Also in Tbilisi, only foreigners cross the street when traffic lights are green. I remember the interview with the georgian minister, Edouard Chevronaze, when Georgia was still a soviet republic. He said, traffic lights in Tilissi are more of a suggestion, really. A few years later, Chevronaze was hosting an official event which was attended by the italian prime minister, Silvio Berlosconi. And there was an epic outdoor barbecue. Georgian hospitality at its best. Sashlik, music, dancers, fireworks, everything except of one little detail. The organizers forgot to bring and install portable toilets. Soon Berlscone started to feel a bit uncomfortable and whispered to Chevronaze, sorry, Edward, where can know?
[00:12:37] Chevronaze, who was a magnificent host, opened his arms and loudly exclaimed, where? Everywhere, my friend, everywhere.
[00:12:47] Now, if it was a german chancellor, for example, it would probably lead to a diplomatic scandal. Sylvio loved it. He laughed and went to the nearest bush to attend to his needs. You see, Georgia and Italy are not so culturally different after all. In the same way, there are certain cultural similarities between Russia and Ireland. In 1994, the russian president, Baris Yeltsin, landed in Shannon airport to meet up with Albert Reynolds. There was a big crowd. The airport, military orchestra, journalists, cameras, all works. The plane stopped and nothing. Jelsen was too drunk to get out to meet Reynolds again. If it happened in any other country, we wouldn't had a World War II on our hands. Irish, they just laughed. Okay, he got one too many. We can understand that. Well, that was more of a joke. But there are occasions where you should really do your homework to avoid serious injury. There are things you should never say in caucuses region. Any curse, especially if you mention someone's parents, will automatically get you into hospital. And that's only if you are very lucky. If you are visiting a shepherd's community in the far north, past the arctic circle, you can ask your host to sell you his wife. He'll just say, shut up. If you suggest he sells you his dog, you are dead. There are communities where in order to show your appreciation to the chef, you burp after the meal as loud and as long as possible.
[00:14:40] There are communities where it's considered an insult. If you leave food on the plate, you are expected to lick it clean and to wipe it with your sleeve. I did it once in a french house and I was told if I do it one more time, I will never be invited there again.
[00:14:57] Barbarians, those French. Worse than British. Well, at least you can burp in England without causing an international incident.
[00:15:06] What else? Sitting at the arab table can be very embarrassing if you came unprepared. There's a specific dining etiquette in Arab and some middle eastern countries, you eat with your hand. The hand, the right one, the left one is reserved for wiping your arse and it shouldn't touch the food ever. If you don't know that, not only will you make a fool of yourself, you might offend your hosts. And it's never a good idea. In England, you never give your seat to woman. In public transport, you will be called a sexist and thrown off the bus or train. Many years ago, when I was not familiar with british customs, I tried to give my seat to the very pregnant lady in tube in London. My English wasn't good at the time and I didn't understand most of the things she called me. But one thing was clear. She did not thank me for my soviet gallantry. She said, how dare you? At least five or six times my fault, obviously.
[00:16:12] In Rome, do as Romans do. In Japan, you never give money to the shop assistant. You leave it on the till. In Norway, if you invited for a drink, that means a drink. One drink. In Russia, it means you will wake up a week later in a different city.
[00:16:29] There's actually a movie in Russia which is one of our favorite romantic New Year stories ever. It's a movie about this ordinary guy who went out for a drink and woke up in a flat in a different city. Then he met with this beautiful woman who owned the flat and finally they fell in love. Everyone loves this movie, but I don't remember anyone ever making a comment about the fact that he got so drunk that he ended up in a different city. It's not a big deal. Happens all the time. I have a friend. Ten years ago, his mate invited him for a drink in Frankfurt. Eight days later, both of them were extracted from under the train in a tunnel in Dover and arrested on suspicion of terrorism. The british police said that only highly trained agents are able to cross the tunnel under the train.
[00:17:23] My friend is not an agent. He is a computer programmer from Sahelin. He still doesn't remember how they got there as there are millions of big and small customs and rules in every culture, visiting other countries is not just buying a ticket and driving to the airport. It might be helpful to do a little research on what you should or shouldn't do where you're going, because what you do in Cincinnati might not go well in North Korea, as one of the american tourists found out the hard way.
[00:17:59] Obviously this rule doesn't apply if you are a russian tourist or a british hen. So that was an introduction to my next podcast about our tour with no crows. We went for two weeks and played twelve gigs in Spain, Germany and Switzerland. And in this next podcast we will talk more about cultural differences. And also I will try to give you an insider view on touring and on the realities of what most people perceive as a glorious lifestyle on the road, drugs, sex and rock and roll. Yeah, right. So all of this in the next podcast. And for now, good night and God bless.
